The Most Difficult Year
Over the last 10 months, I’ve faced a lot of painful stuff.
Recognized the places where I haven’t always been honest.
Acknowledged my shadow self, the parts of me I’m ashamed of ~ the parts of me that feel damaged and broken.
The places I need to grow and change.
It’s been hard for me to write.
Anyone who has gone through a traumatic experience understands how sadness and fear drain you. Many times, I feared that I’d never write another word.
When I was sick, I felt like G-d was punishing me, stripping me of everything I’ve ever used for strength.
Everything I’d ever hidden behind.
This year, I’ve endured endless hours of alone-ness while trying to learn who I am now, the person I want to be in the future.
How strange to be 48 years old and realize I don’t know me at all.
One thing I’ve learned is that I’m a girl of paradoxes.
I crave the company of other people, and I like my solitude.
That I’m a wild artist who needs connection, and a homebody who needs to recharge.
That I’m tapped into some whacked-out energy in the universe: something that allows me to see other people’s pain, something that simultaneously scares me and makes me feel special.
That I’m smart.
And yet.
There is so much I don’t know.
That I want to be touched.
And yet.
I’m afraid of being touched.
I never thought I’d be living in an apartment at this stage in my life.
I liked having a home with soft leather couches, a pretty well-manicured lawn, two cars in the garage.
And yet, I felt trapped by all of it, unable to pursue my own dreams and desires. Unloved. Unsexy. Unseen.
I’m a brave woman. And I’m a terrified little girl.
All the time.
Until recently, I had no experience making independent decisions.
I’ve always relied on the expertise of others.
And waited for people to tell me what to do.
I followed instead of led.
And I liked it that way.
The thing is, when you believe others know things better than you do, you never have to make a mistake. Living on my own, I have no one else to lean on. For anything. Now? I’m accountable for every single decision in my life.
I’ve never lived like this, an unconventional girl in a conventional city.
So that’s where I am.
At the end of an awful year, I’m feeling strangely hopeful.
And I’m wishing each of you a wonderful new year filled with good health and much happiness. And I encourage each of you to take strides to move confidently in the direction of your dreams.
And if you haven’t dreamed about what you want in a long time ~ if your dreams have become the dreams you carry for your children, combined dreams you have with your spouse ~ dare to consider what you would do if you found yourself suddenly alone without anyone to care for you or anyone to look after. How would you fill your hours?
What are the biggest changes you’ve ever made in your life and what prompted you to make these changes?
Sometimes the Universe is amazing and other times very hard on us. I was thinking of you this morning as I was driving between errands and I was hoping we’d here from you and the Universe answered.
I’m so sorry you’ve had such a horrible year. I also understand how hard it is to write when you are in personal crisis. Like you, I’ve been staring down my own demons this year. It is very difficult at times.
Needless to say, I’m not a professional but I am a good listener. If you need to vent or just need to be sure someone cares, you can DM me on Twitter or drop me an email. You have both.
Many hugs to you RASJ. Stay in touch.
Nelson. It’s incredible to me that you’re still here! hank you for your (always) hasty response! I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been chased by demons of your own this year, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned this year, you are NOT alone. Ever. I’m here for you, too! Let’s connect in 2016.
I share your pain and your hopes for the future. I, too, separated from my husband of 15 years four months ago after discovering he was that guy, a liar and a cheater. I was completely blindsided by his betrayal. It was like a death…with grief, denial, anger but without closure as there was no burial. Only the sound of the car as he drove away. Time helps. Self reflection helps. For me personally it was a choice not to let what he did ruin the rest of what life has in store for me. I’m now proud that the first thought of the day is not of him, but me. Okay, this comment was a lot longer than I intended but I want you to know you’ve been missed. Hope we see you blogging more in 2016. And Happy New Year. A year of fabulous!
BD! Are you freakin’ kidding me? You? You who had so much love for your Mr.? I’m devastated for you.
(I actually took a couple of minutes to recover from that announcement.)
I know that it is possible to recover from loss. It just takes time. And a shitload of courage. My husband is a great person. A wonderful man and a great doctor. We just grew apart. We value different things.
Like you said, right now I’m focusing on myself. I literally have NEVER done this, and it’s all new to me. It feels selfish and strange. This year, I’m going to report on all the things I’m doing toward making several of my short-term goals come true. Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story. I’m grateful you’re still here!
It’s been four months of hell. But I’m starting to feel more myself every day. One side affect of things like this is I couldn’t write. Worst blockage of my life. I hated it. I hope to get back to blogging at least a few times a week. I miss it. Your plans for writing about your goals is brill. Hope you find all you’re looking and hoping for. I’ll be watching and reading. *big grin*
The inability to write was TERRIFYING. I never thought it would ever come back. Everyone told me it would, but I couldn’t see it and I didn’t believe it. Grief and fear are so powerful! I now understand why people painted during The Holocaust. Sometimes horror is more easily expressed in art than words. I’m so grateful to you for sharing a little bit of your story. We have to stick together, Sistah!
You’re a strong person Renee and will continue to move forward through these challenges. Proud to call you a friend! Happy New Year!
Hi Steve. This is all your fault, Cowboy. From the moment I heard you play that guitar, I realized something was missing in my life. (That’s not true, but I have been missing a certain kind of connection for a long time.) I’m so glad you’re still here, still cheering me on. For me, this year it’s all about art and music and dance and creative expression.
Oh and TechSupport. can’t forget about him. 🙂
As I read the words you posted here, I just wanted to be there and gather you in my arms and hug you. As my grandmother used to say, “Squeeze you like a lemon.”
A big part of what you’re discovering is that you’re a fallible human being. Welcome to life on planet earth. Brave and terrified would aptly describe any of us who were honest with ourselves. Well, that’s not exactly accurate. Because of Jesus, I no longer have to be terrified of anything, but brave and terrified describe my natural man.
Guess what – there’s no one following you around with a clipboard making check marks in the right or wrong columns. You’re allowed mistakes, and you’re allowed to savor victories. And regardless of whether your latest action represents a mistake or a victory, you are still loved – by Tech Support, by your parents, by me and many, many others out here in the ether, and by many other friends and family members.
Having said all that, I know something of what you’re going through. I’ve been there more than once, and we didn’t have the internet to turn to for support back then. I know your pain is real, but I also know it will diminish with time until you don’t feel it at all.
I hope 2016 will be the best year of your life. Go back and reread this post a year from now and see if you don’t identify a tremendous amount of improvement in the conditions of your life.
David, as you know, I have appreciated your willingness to share some of the bits of your life with me. Through our personal correspondence, you made me feel less alone when I was my most terrified. I know that there is a Higher Power (and I intend to share some stories about how I know this for certain in my bones these days!), but it is still a human failing to be afraid. Our brains are just programmed that way. You have truly been a blessing to me in my life. I don’t think I can say it enough. Grateful for you.
My big leap is yet to be taken. Perhaps 2016 will be the year. When I jump, get ready for a loud, “Wheeeee!”
Lisha, you are one of those people who is always willing to grow – or at least, you stroke me to be a woman like that. I’m so excited about your involvement with LTYM and I know that you are doing little things every day that keep you growing. I cannot wait to reconnect with you. If I end up road-tripping cross-country, I’ll be down this summer! If not, I’ll end up there at some point as I’m actually considering returning to NOLA after Cal graduates from high school. We’ll see what happens over the next 16 months. Happy New Year to you!
Hi Renee, In a situation where all but the change of address has occurred over several years, I feel your pain. Calling it limbo would make it sound nicer than it’s been. The associated separation issues and fallout are there without the freedom to move forward. After long periods of malaise, I tried to pick up some of the things, like writing and meeting new people, that bring me pleasure. Perhaps you will too. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well in this next part of your life.
Hi Ray. Basically, I’ve taken my time and allowed myself to grieve. I’m sure there is more to come, but for now, I’m feeling better. I’ve set my sights on a few goals & I’m taking small steps to work toward them everyday. I’m feeling more focused, now that I’m committing to my passion. I’m sorry that you, too, are having to go thru a difficult time as well. You’re not alone. Ever.
Renzay! I think of you daily as I look at the Courage painting above my school desk.
Courage.
We are all a little bit of the Lion, a bit the Scarecrow, the tin man, maybe especially after the curtain has been pulled back.
Sending you much love from Canada. Except I’m in Arizona. But I’ll be back north in less than 24 hours.
Thanks Shirtsleeves! I hope you & Chris & the Things are having a great time. I need to hear about YUMA. I’m going to want to relocate in a few years, and Arizona is definitely somewhere if consider going.
I love you, but I’m not coming to Calgary.
Thanks for your continued support!
Renée! Always happy to hear from you, even if it’s about difficult and sh!tty times. Sending you much love and light for your new year, and reminding you that a failed relationship does not mean that you’re a failure. Sometimes hanging on is actually a bigger fail than letting go. Love you. ????
Hi SAHM! Thank you for sticking with me. I’m humbled by all the comments. I didn’t think anyone would be here anymore! I am confident that I’ll be able to build a new life for myself. It will be different, of course. But it can still be really good. May your new year be filled with love and light, happiness and prosperity!
You’re BACK and you SURVIVED! That’s what counts.
We suffered three deaths in our family, so 2015 was waaaaay less than stellar. Thing is, we are strong and last long, like anti-perspirant only a lot better looking and now we don’t sweat the small stuff. (I don’t know where that came from.)
My advice? NEVER look back. Life’s too short. Upward, onward and forward, my friend!
Sorry to hear you’ve had a difficult year, too. Lucky that you are a “we” and that you can rely on Danny for emotional support and comfort. That is a blessing.
Renee,
I’m truly sorry your year has sucked. I feel a bit guilty for having had the best year of my life. Being single, I don’t deal with the day-to-day drama of having a significant other around all the time. Then again, I also don’t have anyone to squeeze me like a lemon when I need it so bad I think I’ll die.
I moved five times in the past year and finally ended up in Boise, Idaho, working at my dream job. I know G-d is real because this came about in the most bizarre way, there’s no way I could have pulled it off.
I share this, not to brag, but to let you know that I’ve been down and I’ve been up. Up is better. And you will be on top again. How do I know this? First, you’re a bright, vibrant, fun, caring woman with tons of friends. Second, you have a son named TechSupport (how cool is that.)
Like all your many friends, I’m here if you need me and always wish you the very best.
Jeff
Hi Jeff! Don’t feel guilty about having a great year. I had many great years, and I know I will again. It’s going to take time. I’d love to hear about how you ended up in Boise – and found your dream job, no less! Have you written about this? If so, will you direct me to that post? And if not, um..how about you write about it! Sounds magical!
I just turned off most of my wordpress notifications because I haven’t been reading blogs this year, much less writing one. I hesitated on yours because I wanted to know when you started posting again – lo and behold, it was just a couple of days later! I’m glad to see a post from you, and glad to know you’re feeling ok enough to write it, at least today. I pray for you that each day gets better and better, and you’ll feel more a full yourself as the year progresses. Whoever that self may be, and even if she’s a different self every day. Or a different self throughout the same day, haha. Nothing wrong with that!
Hi Michelle! Like you, I turned off most writing notifications because…well, I’ve been overwhelmed. Truth be told? I’m still overwhelmed, but it’s getting easier as I go thru each month and learn how to take care of myself, by myself. Thank you for taking the time to comment. And thank you for your support! May 2016 be one that brings you peace of mind!
I’m so sorry this has been your year! It’s been quite a series of difficult blows for you. I wish for you that this journey you’re on moves into a serious upswing in 2016, one in which you find joy and peace you never thought possible.
p.s. You’ve wondered how so many of us are still here. It’s through the magic of RSS. Our feed readers never forget you.
Hi Jim! Yeah, 2015 was definitely not my year. Thank goodness for your RSS reader. Hope to see more of you in 2016!
WHEW! You survived and the year is now behind you. There’s a lot of relief in that. This is a wonderful post, but I remember living through these sort of dark times where you wonder if the world will ever look bright again.
Keep chugging, keep creating (even if it is a small project here and there) and know that your peeps are rooting for you.
Happy New Year!
Jenny
Hi Jenny. Well, things are not completely behind me but they are moving forward ~ that’s all I can say. Divorce will be final later this year. My depression seems to be lifting, and without any evil medication! Thank you for all the WWF games. You are an amazing player. I will need to develop a bigger vocabulary if I ever hope to beat you! Still, those games have been a wonderful distraction, and I’m grateful to you for playing with me! Hope to see more of you in 2016.
How I have missed your writing and your question, when has this happened to you. And most of all, “There is always room…”, that act of hospitality, inviting us into your world or the invitation to share our world.
Decisions, decisions, decisions… Life is full of them, always feeling like big ones, the older I get. Shall I stop for coffee and a muffin after taking my mom and husband to the airport, or shall I go right back home? Coffee or latte? Should I cancel my cataract surgery and just get new glasses? Why didn’t I take a few days to go to Florida?? Each question, each outcome are good choices, but painful to make. At retirement and Social Security Age, what question do I refuse to ask; what decision do I refuse to make? What role do I refuse? When is the right time? Why is this so hard? If only I had not… How shall I live the next thirty years? ? ?
I have always preferred questions to answers, well-formed and ambiguous questions that allow so many diverging paths. Maybe it’s time to throw away the maps and wander.
As always, D’alta, thank you for your thoughtful response. And thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone in having to make all these decisions. I’ve pretty much avoided “adulting” for the last 20 years, safe under my husband’s wing. Time to be the Phoenix, right? Happy New Year to you. Can we PLEASE get together in 2016?
Yes, let’s!!! I’ll message you through FB tonight!
As you know a little bit about my answer to that question and some of its context, I’ve been “filling my hours” with reading, studying, post-grad classes, researching, writing, dancing, teaching, fathering, futebol/soccer, inline hockey, cooking and various other domesticating-arts 😉 , and most importantly actively socializing with other good friends and meeting total strangers. All of this since my divorce — and consequent separation from my 2 beautiful kids as an unwanted Part-time Dad — back in 2002. Unmarried since, and single for 10 of those 14-years. I am now the happiest (with myself for sure!) as I’ve ever been in my life. 🙂
But I most certainly miss the companionship, romance, intense primal passion, laughter, hurt, mystery, of a deep soulful relationship… but I refuse to remarry for the wrong reasons. Even if it means dying single because I can survive and have survived that way too! 😉
There have been a few MAJOR changes, necessary changes, but the biggest most profound change was balancing my unique individuality with my Human Family, the world. Finding and embracing all the commonality; I am not alone, never was, and fortunately never will be. 🙂
Happy New Year Renee! This 2016 will be a FABULOUSLY liberating year of more discovery and growth for you! You will be even more fabulous because of 2015! Guarantee it! 😉
Thanks D! For the thoughtful response. For the continued support. For the hope that one day, I’ll be where you are ~ in a better relationship with myself. It’s happening slowly. I’ve learned to stop chasing people who don’t want to be with me and embrace the people who keep showing up and recognize me for who I am. I know I’m not as alone as I sometimes feel I am. Thank you for the reminder. Happy New Year, Professor.
–What I find amazing is how we can pick ourselves up and walk thru the darkness.
Fall and get back up in the midst of tragedy.
Astonishing. ( that our hearts continue beating )
Light ALWAYS overpowers Darkness.
I applaud you for coming out the other side, Renee!
Love from MN.xx
It is astonishing, isn’t it? But what is the alternative, really? I’m so grateful for all the love and support you (and others) continue to show me here and on Facebook. I know that LIGHT always wins (or at least, that’s what they tell me). I still have so many weird physical symptoms asociated with the dumb Klonopin withdrawal… but the worst of it is behind me at this point. Moving forward, right? Happy New Year, MN!
Renee – I know 2015 has been a very difficult year for you, but I am confident that you will continue to get stronger, and that 2016 will be much better for you!
Renee – you are the oldest blogging friend I have and I am thankful for how we met. Your friendship opened new doors for me to learn and grow. Before I began to write, I skimmed some of the comments above and recognized many of the bloggers and I am thankful for you introducing me to them and allowing me to get to know you. I can feel your pain – the past two years have been painful for me and my family – we’ve lost three family members and the loss has strained my relationship with my wife and family – collateral damage, so to speak. I am reminded that our trials force us to examine who we are and who we want to be as well as who we need to be. I am hopeful that 2016 will be a great year, but it will be what it is based on the choices and decisions I make. Every journey begins with a single step, followed by another. I’ll keep moving forward, I hope and pray you will join me. Peace and prosperity in 2016.
Hey pretty lady, this year has been particularly devastating for many of those close around me, and a trying one for myself as well. For as many good things that happened, it’s easier to recall and dwell on the bad. I’m looking forward to a new year and the sense of fresh start it brings. One of my goals is initiative. But not for my work and others – for me. I’m going to spend more time honing my own skillset to build my career in writing, storytelling, and performing. I’m going to spend my hours doing things I love and stress less over the BS at the day job which eats up my creativity.
My sympathies and lots of hugs for the hard times, Renee. I realized during my first marriage that I had never grown up. My ex-husband’s solution was to leave me. Well, it worked, and I’m much the better for it, but I certainly didn’t feel that for more than a year.
2015 was a tough year, during which I lost my father, after losing my brother in 2013 and my mother in 2014. But I am now so aware of the preciousness of life, I’m going to put myself out there, and stop second-guessing my writing, my voice, my ability. I stopped writing most of the year, but no more. I’m sure you are back, too. {{Hugs}}
You ARE a brave woman and a terrified little girl. I feel the same way in my life now. And that is beautiful–all of it. I’ve witnessed my share of tragedy, pain and loss, relationships changing or fading away. I suppose everyone does eventually. For me it’s the fear of the unknown that I have to learn to let go. I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time but it sure sounds like you are finding your way back to the light and love that is at the center of your soul, Renee.
The treading water does get quite exhausting as become bored, yet sometimes amused. I have closed a chapter in my life, but am still having my doubts as to whether or not it was the right thing to do. I admire your bravery and wish you well as you spread your wings and soar (gosh that seems cheesier now that I typed it out, but somehow it seems appropriate just the same, so I will go with it for lack of a readily available alternative.)
Renee, I am always rooting for you, and this post filled with so much honesty must be, I know, only a glimpse of the work you have been doing this year. There must be an incredible loneliness with starting over, but a relief, too, in living what you feel to be a truer self. I hope you will stay in touch here and let us know what 2016 brings. May it be filled with health and promise. Much love, Nina
Renée, this comment thread of yours is such a testament to open, honest caring. You are loved. Believe that and gather strength from it. You are a bright, talented woman with much to offer to the world. It will happen. Warmest wishes for all good things to fill your life in 2016.
Reneé, I kept you in my reader – you have been missed. Sadly, I have been “off the grid” for a while too…the Universe is apparently testing my limits. I will be facing a world where I may not be employed (not necessarily by choice). For someone who been working since 14 that is a frightening thought.
I left my first husband many, many years ago. I could see that I had made a mistake – even his family encouraged me to get out and get a life I deserved. With an 8 month old, a car that barely ran and actually had holes in the floor boards, and a beaten heart and soul – I set out on my own. Scared – you know it. Strong – even more than I could have imaged. Best move of my life.
You are a survivor – carry on. Let your art – and your heart guide you. For a while I was a beadaholic – I spent countless hours beadweaving and making jewelry. Once things settled in my life – I didn’t touch them again. In fact, we are packing up boxes of beads, bead magazines, bead supplies and tools. For awhile, the intense concentration needed for my craft kept me from falling apart by considering the swirling depresssion and loneliness. Sometimes you just have to stop thinking about things for awhile.
So good to see you again. So very good to see you again.
Hi Renee, I want to send you a holiday card but don’t have your new address. Could you please send it to me? Wishing you a year of healing. Thanks, Amy Sent from my iPhone
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Blogging is a strange world, where we think we have a grasp on the comings and goings in the lives of our fellow writers, and then we discover that we don’t. Maybe blogging isn’t so different than life, where I am continually surprised, dumbfounded and gob-smacked.
You’re doing what you need to do, and in time, you’ll be better off for it, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy or quick.
Positive thoughts from over here, sister.
Renee, we all fall down. It is a human experience. We all fall down. Then we close our eyes and let it hurt, because we are fallible and damn, it does hurt to pretend otherwise is simply silly. After the worst of the storm is past, we start to get up, slowly at first but we rise.
I know this year has been hard. I wish I knew how to help. Write me I will give you my number. We can talk.
Renee, I’m so, so sorry to hear of this. I too can relate to the pain and shame because I saw myself as somehow failing after all those years. Well, the pity party lingered for a while but I decided to move on – reinvent myself, if you will. Nothing major but it was better for me to focus on some new, future opportunities and not the disappointments of the past. Of course the past doesn’t go away – you don’t spend all those years and then simply forget them – but you do begin to create a new present and future that is all yours to mold to your heart’s desire. Sitting at home alone is peaceful but stepping outside your comfort zone can create the pizzazz that puts the real living in life. And, never get discouraged if you try something and it doesn’t work out because if you never try, you’ll never find out. You know you can grow into this – just take it one step at a time.
I’m sure you’ve a long list of folks that have offered their support and you can count me in with those that are pulling for you. Really. I mean it. We’ve shared some things before and I see no reason we shouldn’t again.
Go – be positive – head up – move forward and 2016 will be a Happy New Year!
Yes changes. Some of us are lucky that we can redefine ourselves and craft a new life. I did 43 radiations for prostate cancer year and a half ago and seems all the little bad guy germs are “asleep” for now. Open heart in 2006 and heart guy says I’m fairly well fixed there too. Remember not to define yourself based on who is or who isn’t in your life. I’m reading at least 5 novels a month: historical fiction, adventure thriller and some crime. My blog has grown and 2,300 followers but really about 80 “loyals” and that’s just great for me. I have suffered too and we all have our tragedies but I feel fairly content and I had to experience all as you have too to get to the place I am now. My daughter, 32, an addict. This time she’s on a death run. She’s about to lose everything. It’s horrible. I’ve been clean and sober almost 14 years. Me, meds for 40 years chronic depression. Still have bouts but depths not as dramatic and less frequent. There was snow here last February and was first time I’ve seen snow since 1985 when I was in blizzard in Buffalo for a week. The Falls were frozen. 48, eh ? I’m 66 now,. Wanna trade ?
sad to hear it: ¿ worst year, ever ? i’ve had a few of those and … depends when a “year” starts and stops. many governments have a ‘fiscal’ year which can start either Oct.1 or July 1 … (i’ll try NOT to (w)ramble so much)
~ i was depressed a lot as a teenager. depressed periodically ever since. however, i’ve become more manic with the passage of time, it seems. even this a.m., i take joy in watching the rising sun hit the hill-tops, the interplay of colors in the clouds, nature/phenomena. highs and lows, as i’ll be very very said when i see a road-kill cat, or deer. then i’ll marvel at the fog up a canyon, tendrils of it clinging to the cliffs. ah. sigh.
my next “major” life change is in progress: planning / arranging insurance and IRA/401k payments for retirement commencing May 1. it’s like i’ve been practicing being retired more and more. not that concerned about getting to work “on time” — in fact was an hour late today and nobody either noticed or didn’t say anything. my wife (of course) is not looking forward to this. i suppose i’ll have to vacuum the house more often. i do plan on reading more — as i’ve hardly read at all for years now.
by the weigh: YOUR ART IS WONDERFUL. that reflects something, what you ARE and look like “inside”. (no, i’m not imaging being in your body sum-wear looking out. this is an XXtra-dye-mentschunull thing).
sum daze the tedium can get to mee, and duzz. most the time, however, i sumwhut enjoy the quotidian, the chores, the regularity. i spoze it’s cause all i really want to do is wander without aim (keep in mined that this is NOT wander aimlessly!) in the woods and high desert with the dogs. so, feeding the cats 2nd thing in the morning must be done (#1: make coffee!). then the fish. while part of me, no doubt, is engaging (but “engage” sounds so active, duzzn’t it?) (engaging anyweigh) in the meditative wander.
it’s prawblee awbvee(dee)vious: that i’m rarely, if ever, “groan up” — feel maybe teen-aged, or younger, but the body sez uthurwize. (i’m tempted to add “other-stupid” but won’t). (or did i?) yupp: what passes for “my life” and “what i do and am and convey” is somewhat multi-parenthetical.
like i said before, i hope to come back. (‘here’ ! to your blog). reading this post made me feel, well, sum-tang akin to love but that’s toooo heavy so, with affection and as much empathy as i can muster,
~