A Corkscrew Let Him Put a Ring On It: A #SoWrong Moment by Blogdramedy
Blogdramedy recently took an extended trip to Italy and France, and she wrote long, dreamy posts along the way. She also likes to write about Karl Urban. I’ve known for a long time that Blogdramedy enjoys wine. After reading today’s post, you’ll all understand why. In sharing this piece, Blogdramedy has raised the bar for #SoWrong posts. Or maybe lowered it, depending on your take. Click to check out Blogdramedy’s blog. Follow her on Twitter at @blogdramedy. Or both. You won’t be sorry, but you should probably bring some tissues.
• • •
How a Corkscrew Let Him Put a Ring On It ~ by Blogdramedy
Four months after the divorce, I arrived at work for a meeting and that’s when I saw him.
Tall. Dark. Beautiful. Dressed in a deep blue suit with mauve pinstripes. It was his shoes I really noticed. Burgundy loafers with a slightly pointed toe; polished to a gleam.
No one wore shoes like that where I worked.
No one wore shoes like that in the entire city.
I wanted to ask him where he had bought them and if he polished them or if he had someone do it for him.
I shook his hand instead.
By the end of the meeting, I could tell he fancied me. All the signs were on display.
He was a male peacock flashing his colors and I was blinded…he was
a kaleidoscope of light and I was a moth.
He interpreted my moth-like eye fluttering for flirtatious behaviour (it was) and called me later, asking me out for a drink.
A month later and we’d been on 18 dates. We still had not slept together. I don’t know if it was me sending out the “damaged” vibe or him being kind of shy underneath his spiffy suit but we didn’t rush. It was nice.
And then he said he wanted to cook for me and to introduce me to something rather special.
Cue alarm bells.
Introduce me? What…like to a person? Another woman? Another MAN? HIS MOTHER???
When I arrived, the lights were low and the fireplace was flicking. Sade was playing on the stereo.
I took a quick scan and relaxed when I saw we were alone. Not totally relaxed, mind you. Constant vigilance had been my motto ever since a grasshopper jumped up my ballerina dress at the age of six.
After we’d chatted and caught up on our day, that’s when he sprung it on me.
The something special was a bottle of Bordeau that had just arrived from his wine club. (Yes, I know. Screams pretentious but it was the 90s.)
Now, I was never a lover of fine wines. I really didn’t like white and red had to be sweet and fruity before I let it pass my lips. He uncorked and poured, all the while describing this particular wine’s characteristics.
It was smokey. [sip]
It was plummy. [sip]
Lush. [sip] Ripe. [sip] Full-bodied. [sip sip]
Mouthy. [swallow]
By the end of the second bottle, I was ready. And so was he.
Somehow we made it into the bedroom, where I pushed him down onto the bed and proceeded to demonstrate my take of a slow striptease. Unfortunately I was not wearing one single thing with a button or a zipper. The best I could do was tug my sweater up over my head…slooowly.
That got me a little dizzy so I fell to my knees and as luck would have it, the latitude of my face and his crotch? About the same. So, what’s a girl going to do? I leaned in, unsnapped the top button of his jeans, and…
…vomited all over his lap.
It was like something out of the Exorcist. I did Linda Blair proud that night.
And that’s the last thought I had before passing out cold on the floor.
I woke the next morning laying next to him, in the spoon position, still dressed and chastity intact.
He’d cleaned up and put us both to bed. The sex that morning was sublime and has been ever since.
In 2008, I married my Mister and we’ve been happily drinking wine ever after.
What did I learn from this embarrassing moment?
Always drink in moderation and wear something appropriate to the occasion. Something with buttons and zippers.
How did you meet your spouse? Was there vomit involved?
tweet us @rasjacobson & @blogdramedy
Oh I was about to get the filter out and BAM you let lose with the ultra-funny. Any many that keeps you after that is worth the trouble and then some.
Joe, I hit the wrong reply so that comment down below about specimen? That one’s for you.
I think you are right. It will be hard to top this one for embarrassing moments.
Finally. I’m in the top ten of something. *snort*
You are amazing! I’m so glad to have you here today! This story is amazing! And told beautifully, too. Not too gratuitously, either. Honestly, you barfed on the guy and he kept you around. Definitely a keeper. *raises glass* Here’s to many more years of wine-drinking together. Just be sure to stick to one bottle and everyone will be just fine. 🙂
You mean one bottle each. Right? Okay then.
He’s a rare specimen of manhood. Kind soul, good looks and great taste in women.
. . .and he knows how to pick them modest.
She’s a humble soul, our girl.
is humble a euphemism? 🙂
Absolutely. 😉
Oh oh ho Mister Kotter, oh oh oh, pick me!! I’ve barfed on somebody. True story, I swear. I was having a lovely shower with a young lady I’d just met in a small southwestern town after a night of too much tequila and Tex Mex food. Out of the blue, this woman asks me…… brace yourself…..she asked me if she could piss on me!!!!! LOL!!! I’m laughing right now just remembering this. Anyway, I thought she was kidding, but her puppy dog eyes and her expression otherwise told me she was serious. So, not knowing what to do, I started laughing uncontrollably until I lurched all over her chest. I think it may have turned her on because we still made the beast with two backs, just without the urine. How awful that I just shared this story online?!
Well, if you’re said McDonalds instead of Tex-Mex, I could give you a really good line about golden arches and golden showers.
You barfed on her boobies and she was still willing to do it with you? Please tell me you married this poor girl.
Yes! Way to weave a tale! The whole time I was wondering if it was leading up the Mister, too. The lucky devil! I see now why I missed the boat with you. Crocs don’t polish.
And yes, dammit, I have an intimate vomit story, too, but it is too humiliating for the masses. Sometimes the past has to remain hidden for a very good reason.
Well, at least you left out the white socks. There’s hope for you yet.
And you have a vomit story? Poo-poo. I think you’re talking out of your…hat.
Two of them, actually. But one is not fit for public … consumption. Perhaps I’ll regale you with the other. Hint: It involves a broken toilet, like all good stories should.
Well then, flush away and take the plunge. I’ll bring a roll of toilet paper.
Nice to meet you, ShoutAbyss: Did you SEE the barf story above? ^^^^^ OMG! Apparently, all the cool kids barf on someone else and live to write about it. Feel free to share yours here.
*whispers* You’re not even on your own page! No one will know. 😉
Oh. No. You didn’t. I can guarantee you there’s poop involved. Just sayin’. *runs to find clothes pin for nose*
OMG, this was a great story with a happy ending! He is a keeper for sure!
His capacity to put up with me seems to expand daily. I really have only one complaint…he feeds me too much. The man knows how to load a plate. *runs and hides the scale*
Holy crap, another reason to keep him! He can cook too! WOW! I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now (live with him too) and there is no signs of a ring in my future. That sucks. My birthday is on Monday and I am sure that is not something that is on his mind to get me. Someone should ask him “so, what are you getting your girlfriend for her birthday?” LOL
Give me his email. I’m persuasive.
Hi Nikita! BD’s Mister is obviously a great caregiver. I, myself, am a sympathetic puker. Had that evening gone the other way — with my date barfing on me — well, let’s just say, I feel confident that there wouldn’t have been such a happy ending.
{Did you see what I did there?} #Bazinga
Bazinga, yes I did! LOL
I love it that you people are bringing your sarcasm game to the field. You can’t offend me so bring it. Bring your almost-but-not-quite-at-my-level game. *snort*
I am a sucker for a romantic story that involves bordeaux, grasshoppers, and vomit. Nicely done (not that that surprises me) and welcome home.
I’m complex. And you get that. You are so HIP!
Hi Hippie! Amazing post, right? Can you believe she sent her post to me while she was lazing about Italy? You think the wine had anything to do with it?
Amazing to be sure. After reading it, I needed a cigarette and an airsickness bag!
Would that we were all turning in our wine-soaked homework from exotic locations. Happy Friday. 🙂
It just doesn’t get any more romantic than that! That’s awesome. If he handled that, he can handle anything…sounds like a keeper! 🙂
And he cooks and does laundry. I keep him…locked away from the ladies.
Great story,
No, I have not barfed on a lady, but felt like puking when a lady connected with law enforcement showed me her breasts. Sorry bitch– gotta have intelligence and character to get my appreciation.
Was the law enforcement lady from New Orleans? Because that’s how most things get handled in N’awlins. #TrueStory
Sounds like another great story you should write. Not New Orleans, Ann Arbor Michigan, a pretend Psychic. She musta thought, “there’s an interesting looking guy, I’ll stalk him and his kids” Oh, Great title “A Corkscrew”
although the story (mine) goes nowhere Title would be ” You’re the hardest man I ever met” what an acquaintance said upon meeting a second time a month after we had a few dances at a party
Everyone is into selfies these days. I’m surprised her “exposure” didn’t end up on Twitter.
I’m now wishing I’d read this at home instead of this restaurant, because the entire place thinks I’m a deranged lunatic laughing at my phone. Oh, the things I missed out on by marrying young!
You know what this means, right? Extra big tip.
Delicious, right? In a yucky sort of way. Can’t wait to read YOUR moment! {I’m kinda scared about where theses posts are going.} 🙂
This might be the most fantastic vomit story ever.
Clearly, there’s a time and a place for everything. Even puke, apparently.
You think you could score me a movie deal?
Great story, I used to think that barfing in private was a good thing, but I guess I have to review that opinion 🙂
As long as the government stays out of it. We should all have the right to put our barf stories out there.
Hilarious romance begun with true ‘divulged’ feelings! 😉
How did I meet my spouse…former spouse? During volleyball games. She kept asking WHY I always wanted to play in the back-court behind her — BAH! Like it wasn’t obvious when I didn’t seem to be “watching the ball” — she usually wore these high cut-off jean shorts. Wow, could she “dig” spikes! We hung out in the parking lot afterwards for I think 2 1/2 – 3 hours while I “explained” myself. The rest as they say, is history. 🙂
P.S. Renee, did you get my Tweet message about more fantastic kitchen dance music for you?
She doesn’t fool me. She saw you coming a mile away. Gotta watch out for those feminine wiles.
Oh, wow! That was quite the #SoWrong post! That’s true love that he cleaned up and put you to bed. He’s obviously a keeper!
He’s locked away in the bedroom right now. I’m going to tell him about all the nice things said about him today. Like I don’t tell him enough. 🙂
Wow. He’s definitely a keeper. Hilarious!
He’s a rare specimen. Perhaps I should base a reality tv show around him. 😉
I met my spouse 29 years ago this summer and nothing with vomit in it.. we went dancing with a group after work and the next day we went to the zoo together. Have been married 22 years this fall and though we don’t dance much anymore we still visit the zoo.
oh and definitely a keeper…
So far, he’s keep up with me so the future is looking good!
The zoo sounds very romantic. All those animals nuzzling each other…
Nothing like earthy vomit to create a lasting bond. Most of our vomit came after the kids showed up.
Trust me…we have a great relationship but there’s still the occasional spit up. 😉
Oh my, that’s quite the story! I love how there was a sweet and happy ending to it. 🙂 Yay!
So am I! Imagine if the other end had been involved. But let’s not go THERE.
Oh, I am so happy I swallowed (my coffee that is) before I got to the end. It is no wonder you adore you Mister. What a keeper he is. Introduced you to fabulous wine and cleaned you up.
What more could you want from a guy? Plus, he cooks. And laughs at my jokes…most of the time. 🙂
Oh this made me laugh so hard! It also made me think of a really embarrassing story that is not my own. If you ever have a contest for most embarrassing masturbation story, let me know!
Glad my story made you laugh. Personally…it took me a while to get there. Perhaps a little like your masturbation story? *smirk*
OHMYGOD that’s the best first sex story ever in the world since ‘before Jesus’ when there were dinosaurs or even before the big bang. Fantastic. Seriously, who can top that? I mean really. Best Best Best. And originally you had me at pulling off your sweater slowly, trying to be sexy about it when you know your hair clip was going to get all entangled.
You gotta love @blogdramedy! Do you follow her? Today she wrote about all the celebs flashing their boobies.
And you said “big bang” — which BD had the next morning. Apparently. (Just Sayin’!) Nice to meet you!
Yeah. And now I’ve been challenged by @shoutabyss to a Twitter boobie contest. I said only if he shows his, too.
I saw that! Don’t do it! 😉 We’ll all respect you more in the morning.
You know me. If I did, it wouldn’t be what you’d expect. *taps her fingers together in a diabolical way*
I’m so feeling the love. Thanks! But you know what can top that? Anyone who is on top…if I’m on bottom. *she props herself at her wit*
THIS is what true love is all about. I think the Rubaiyat said it best “A jug of wine, a loaf of bread and thou…cleaning up my barf.” I’m wiping away a tear.